While I grew up in a Christian home and had a personal relationship with Jesus, I was bullied in junior high. That made me doubt anyone would protect me or that my peers would ever love and accept me. Due to this rejection, I sought my value and worth in good behavior and scholastic achievement and whenever I fell short, I felt immense self-condemnation. I discovered I could find relief from all this through viewing sensual images of men on the Internet. By imagining myself as the men in the images, I felt special, manly, and freed from my self-condemnation. At puberty, the need to consume these images became sexual and this brought deep inner conflict: I knew God disliked homosexual acts, but pornography promised me a temporary escape from my self-hatred.
I eventually told my youth group leaders about my same-sex attractions. However, while they had good intentions, their counsel wasn’t helpful. Finally, in the midst of my addiction I reached out to God and He answered me – He set me free of my addictions to pornography and Internet sex. Hallelujah!
I was excited; I thought my turmoil was over. Unfortunately though, while my behavior had changed, my same-sex attractions and heart issues hadn’t. I continued to dislike myself and yearn for sex with men. In college, I found other same-sex attracted Christians and we did our best to pursue God together. My friends gave me much needed friendship and support, however my heart issues remained unchanged. I came to accept the possibility of life-long celibacy and told my parents about my same-sex attractions. My parents loved and accepted me, and my mother bought me Desires in Conflict, a Christian book about same-sex attractions, which I begrudgingly agreed to read.
To my surprise, that book made me feel understood and gave me hope that God could meet the longings of my heart. I was excited and eager to put the author’s advice into action. So, when he recommended joining a recovery group in the Restored Hope Network, I contacted Jeff Simunds at Tower of Light Ministries. Through meeting with Jeff and joining a group, I finally experienced inward change. I was shown how my flawed identity and relational brokenness fueled my sexual desires. I found a place where I had the opportunity to address the heart issues that had been poisoning my self-image and relationships.
Being in the group has been an important part of my journey. By disclosing my sexual history in group, I experienced that other men could know my secrets and still accept me. I had experiences in group where God tangibly encountered me, helping me process and forgive childhood abuse and revealing his delight in me. Throughout my time in group, my fellowship with God has improved – where before I could only see my flaws and inadequacy, I now see how He made me with love and care. Similarly, I’m believing more and more that God has made me “manly enough” and that I am not inferior to other men.
Surprisingly, the internal changes have even become apparent to others. Two church leaders have, without any prompting from me, commented on the difference they see in me! Most importantly, my internal world is increasingly becoming one of peace and integrity with a desire to submit to, and trust, God.
While I still feel attracted to men, the power of my sexual temptations has waned and lots of the emotional bondage, false expectations, and self-hatred are gone. Praise God. I’m thankful to Tower of Light Ministries for being here and ministering to me. Through this ministry, God is healing my whole self, not just my sexuality.